How to become a mountain man part one

as promised, Mountain man status and how you too can be as burly as me.

Before I start I must clarify that different categories of mountain men exist and these distinctions will be evident upon the conclusion of my little tid bits of knowledge and insider information regarding what I hope will become a series or when I run out of ideas to make up about this topic, which ever comes first.  Maybe this information will just disappear, leaving you wondering what happened, kind of like a mountain man would do. Searching for solitude and the next adventure, or to just chop a cord of wood or two.  

First break all your shaving equipment, in public with your bare hands.   This is best done at a party or gathering where you do not know anyone, Announcing  what you are going to become. In your best mountain voice.   No turning back now.  This act of raw mountain man aggression will serve a few purposes.  You are putting it out there.  It will also show these hipster party goers that you are not to be messed with.  Standing in a circle, with bleeding hands, howling at the moon.  That is what a mountain man would do.  

Jeremiah Johnson is now your spiritual guide.  Watch this movie over and over to learn and memorize his movements and demeanor. He will not let you down.  

Flannel shirts not in a Seattle early 80's grunge kind of way but in a lumberjack, casual miner kinda way.  Carhart pants work well for the image that we are going for and top it off with a good ole fashion trucker hat. Don't worry, with the right swagger, you will be able to pull it off.  These are only to be worn when descending from large mountains into small mountain towns to show everyone how much of a badass mountain man you are.  

If you are a little hungry, you should not order food.  Mountain men don't pick at salads, they order the largest thing on the menu and devour it as if they haven't had real meat in days.  No vegans allowed.  If you can order a turkey leg, eat it like the barbarian, bear wrestling man that you are.  Let the turkey juices run down your chin and don't use a napkin, that is why flannel is printed and not one color.  Gravy is not a condiment and should take the place of vegetables.  Mountain men don't converse or chat when they eat, they grunt or acknowledge by a tip of the cap or a nod of the head.